This is Tara, obviously.
It's Thursday the 12th.
Looks like I've got about...
Four minutes or so,
so I just wanna explain where I'm at right now
while I'm still lucid.
See, um, I'm under a lot of pressure lately.
I've been hired by the mayor's wife
to do this 17th century rococo nursery for her unborn son.
She wants a gold diaper genie
and a giant wall fresco
depicting herself as a pregnant Saint.
This is what I do.
I, um...
I create opulent environments
for women who hemorrhage money.
And I'm good at it too.
I-I rule.
I have... I have no problem
keeping track of a million things for my clients.
But, um, unfortunately,
I can't seem to micromanage my daughter's vagina.
See this?
It's a prescription for morning after pills,
as in the morning after skanky, sweaty teen sex.
I found this in Kate's backpack last night.
Part of me wants to play hip mom
and just applaud my daughter for being responsible,
and the other part of me just...Wants to sew her up.
I mean--I mean...
Kate's always been a very affectionate kid,
very huggy, got a lot of valentines in grade school.
Maybe I should have seen this coming.
I just...
I can't deal with this right now, I--
I'm sorry.
Yo!
Is anybody home?
Marshall.
Estonian cleaning lady?
Mommy?
Hi, sex robot.
I miss you too.
Shit. I gotta go.
I just do.
♪ I wanna expand some sadness ♪
♪ hospital bills, parole ♪
Eew. Mom briefs.
♪ I want you to be crazy ♪
♪ 'cause you're boring, baby ♪♪
T. Who let you out?
Dude, I have been
digging around in your closet for an hour,
and I can't fucking get to narnia!
Nice whale tail. Quit hatin'.
You wish you had all this.
So what's the deal, t?
Why are you here instead of mom?
Your mom's in a bad place mentally. Yeah.
Is it my fault? Well, kinda.
Remember those kill pills
I helped you get at the free clinic?
Your mom found the evidence, and she's tweakin'.
How'd she find out?
She went all CSI
in that pubic thatch you call a backpack.
Mom violated monkey.
That bitch. Total bitch.
Are those my new skinny jeans?
Don't they make my ass look fine?
Sure. Fine for 40.
Do you know how much it blows being 15
and stuck in this ancient body?
I mean, look. I have a muffin top.
Must suck.
You suck.
Clothes suck.
Let's go downtown, buy a bunch of new stuff.
Mm. We don't have any money.
Well, I raided Tara's wallet.
We're fully laminated, baby!
T!
This is why I love you the best
out of all the alters!
Drugs, not hugs.
Oh.
I love that gloss on you.
Makes you look porno.
Really?
Bring with.
All right, hey, you have to drive,
'cause I smoked a fatty.
Hey, Marshall.
What's up, rocker?
Mom!
No. Mom keeps her ass crack in check.
It's t.
I can see that now.
Jell-o pudding is-a for the children.
Bitch, the vanilla ones are mine.
Hey, Marshall, wanna go downtown?
We're gonna buy cheap, hot clothes
that makes us look insecure.
I have to write a paper on George cukor
for intro to film, so...
Pudding is good...Ding.
T, can we please go before dad gets home
and ruins our lives? Too late, girls.
Here comes maxi pad now!
Eew, with a bucket of fried death.
T? You're back.
Fuckin'-a! Fuckin'-a.
That's more respect than I've gotten all day.
The subcontractor's a real shithead.
Oops. I'm a vegetarian now, Max.
I don't eat meat.
Besides, the hormones in that cluck-cluck
can make you get a third nipple.
Really?
It's true, you guys.
I got a MySpace bulletin about it.
♪ You wanna chew all of my bubblegum ♪
Duh!
Double-d!
♪ I'm the type a girl ♪♪
Well, you can have my coleslaw, t.
Hey, don't coddle her.
She's gonna eat with us, she's gotta cooperate.
Remember? We talked about this.
Pussy!
Ooh, shocking.
So, dad, I got the lead in the recital tomorrow.
What happened to Darcy?
All she ate was bananas and gum for two months,
so they sent her to St. mark's,
and they put a tube in her stomach.
That's hilarious!
I know.
It's very sad, actually.
Knock, knock!
Cougar crossing.
Hey, aunt Charmaine. Hey.
Charmaine, what'd we forget?
Um...Tara and I were supposed to go
to a pampered chef party tonight in shawnee,
but something tells me that my sister isn't home tonight.
Oh, my God, you are so smart.
I can't believe you never finished massage school.
Who is this?
I can't remember what this one is called.
That's t. Like the letter, not the hot beverage.
You've only met me like a million times, leather tits.
Okay, you know what,
I've obviously walked into the middle of a family crisis,
so I will just, um, check in later.
It's not a crisis. We like it when t comes around.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
Max, can I talk to you for a minute?
In private?
Ooh! Ah!
You better go!
Give it to her, maxie!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Oh, stop.
Ah!
Eeh! Pfft!
I hate her. Fucking cow.
Jesus!
Ah, don't worry about it.
I'll get Marshall to go with you.
I think he needs a new deviled egg carrier.
Max, it's not about that. It's about her.
I mean, it is really hard for me
to see my sister like that.
I never thought she would still be this way.
She's really not doing that bad.
Why can't she just stop?
I mean, it's not even a real disease, Max.
It's real, charmie. You grew up with her.
You know better than anybody.
Look, nobody's trying to imply
that you don't have a right to be angry--you do.
We're all angry at the crazy.
But...
I've been living with this for 17 years.
Married to it.
You just take it to pampered chef parties.
I know.
You're right.
I'm sorry you have to live this way, honey.
You really deserve so much better.
No, I don't, really.
Does your whole family know we're coming,
or just your mom?
Um, I think the whole town knows we're coming. Right?
Do your friends know all about our relationship?
What do you mean all about our relationship?
Nice boner.
I don't have one.
Sure.
Do you wanna paint my toenails?
We could have a lolita moment.
You read a book.
I saw the movie.
Marshall thought I'd like it.
I liked the first part, then it was, eh.
How long you gonna stay with us this time, t?
Are you trying to get rid of me already?
God, I hardly ever get to come out anymore.
Oh...
You come out as much as the other alters.
That's not true!
Alice gets may more air time.
You like her better 'cause she bakes.
I'm pretty sure I like you the best.
What?
I know you love me.
Doesn't feel right. Sorry.
What? This is your wife's body.
Just 'cause I'm not her doesn't mean we can't hook up.
We know from experience Tara wouldn't like that.
Mm, sure, she would.
Physically, she needs it.
You know, just the other day,
she bought a shade of blush called orgasm.
Mm.
Okay, no offense. You gotta go to the shed now.
Not trying to hear that!
Let's go.
I hate you for not fucking me.
Wear a coat. It's chilly.
Ow.
Where are you going?
Madison's house.
We have a civics project due tomorrow.
It's 9:00. Are you kidding me?
What, are you being like strict daddy now?
You gonna take me to one of those purity balls?
One hour. No negotiating.
Hey, where did t go?
She went out to the shed.
Oh, shit fit.
You know she's not gonna come back.
She shouldn't have been out in the first place.
I know what mom found in your purse,
so I'm not real thrilled with you right now.
I'm sorry, I guess I should have let
that fertilized egg implant itself in my uterus.
Okay, enough.
Do you hear yourself sometimes?
Hey, shut it. All right?
You know that bad surprises are a trigger for her.
Dad, everything is a trigger lately.
I mean, why can't mom just be manic depressive
like all the other moms?
You can't expect me to be the perfect child all the time
just because mom acts like a bunch of different people
when she's stressed out.
She's not acting, Katie.
Mm. Aunt Charmaine says she is.
Aunt Charmaine is a hose beast.
I just saw t going out to the shed.
Is she going to have a shit fit?
I don't know.
Well, I don't want the neighbors to know either,
so brace yourselves for thelonious monk.
Why do you do that?
So they can't hear her
or judge her.
Welcome back.
You're late.
You're looking very kawaii tonight,
Katie-chan.
That means cute, right?
So, um...
Why didn't you text me back earlier?
Well...
Things were kind of freaky at my house.
You know how I told you
that my mom has like multiple personalities and shit?
Well, she transitioned and like...
One of her alters, like one of her personalities,
is our age.
So your mom actually goes around
acting like she's a teenager?
No. She doesn't actually go around
because, actually, t's pretty lazy.
But...You know.
She's not always t.
Sometimes she's others.
Oh, that is so messed up.
Well, your mom has implants.
What does that have to do with anything?
Because they're slutty!
Baby, she got them for her.
Ohh!
Anyway, I'm just happy that my mom's off meds.
You know, it really made her
so that she couldn't really feel--
you know, whatever.
Just...Don't ignore another text from me again.
Okay?
Texting's how I show my love.
I won't.
Arigato.
Hi, marshmallow.
Hey, mom.
Listen, I'm sorry about tonight.
It's pretty wacky, huh?
It was no big whoop.
How was she? T, I mean.
She wasn't that bad.
I mean, she was only here for a couple of hours.
Do you know she's a vegetarian now?
Am I high?
Maybe a little.
Yeah.
Listen, I...
I wanna thank you for being such a strong, supportive kid.
I'm really lucky.
We're lucky, mom.
I mean, because of you, we get to be interesting.
You like being interesting?
I love it.
Pfft.
I think I have the munchies.
You want anything from the kitchen?
Uh, no, thanks. I have chai, so...
Okay.
Nighty-night, marsh.
Hey, babe.
Ah! Ooh.
The history channel. Fun.
The hostage crisis never gets old.
Did you talk to Kate? Mm-hmm.
She's fine.
That's good.
Whoa, hang on.
I'm still getting used to my legs.
I just...
T was a little feisty tonight.
Ah. Now you're all hot and bothered?
You didn't do anything, did you?
Does it look like I did anything?
Your lips taste like that porno stuff she wears.
All right, look, we made out a little bit.
Don't get mad. Oh!
Hey, I can't help it.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
She looks just like you. Not exactly, right?
I mean, she dresses like a whore!
Like a ho, sweetie. The kids call 'em hos.
I could be a ho.
I could be a very plausible ho.
No, no, you don't...
You don't have to ho it up just for me.
Mm. Yes, I do.
I definitely do.
Oh, somebody forgot their pants.
I prefer to think of it as remembering my ass.
You look fucking cheap.
Thanks, Max.
Hey, honey, it's me.
Tara.
Uh, look, I'm just dropping off Kate's costume.
It was made for that, uh, anorexia girl,
so I had to let out the seams.
Anyway, I'm gonna be home around 6:00,
and then we'll all head over to the, uh,
the recital together.
Kate! I did not raise you to let boys who wear pigtails
push you around!
These are samurai knots.
Mom, we're having a dialogue about our relationship, okay?
We're fine.
We? Honey, this power puff boy
does not warrant a collective pronoun!
We are managing our conflict right now, please!
Is that the bitch character or something, Kate?
Make her turn it off. Ben!
Mom...
No! Everyone's staring at me!
Everyone's always staring at me.
♪ 22 Miles of hard road ♪
♪ 33 years of tough luck ♪
♪ 44 skulls buried in the ground ♪
♪ crawling down through the muck ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
Hey, bitch. Hiya, slutwaffle.
♪ Johnny don't love the teacher ♪
♪ Johnny don't love the school ♪
♪ one day Johnny gonna do somethin' ♪
♪ show 'em he's nobody's fool ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
Hey, mom.
I'm making muffins of triumph for Kate.
♪ Sisters' brothers make better lovers ♪
♪ family affair down under the covers ♪
♪ trailer park of broken hearts ♪
♪ won't let you leave until you're bleeding ♪
♪ Sally don't like her daddy ♪
♪ Sally don't like her friends ♪
♪ Sally and Johnny watchin' TV ♪
♪ waitin' for it to end ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪♪
Muffins of triumph.
That a boy.
Where's mom?
Um...
Well, I'm not... I'm not sure if mom's here.
I mean, mom's here,
but I don't know if mom's...Here.
T's back.
No. I think...
Maybe...
Buck?
Right again, peach fuzz.
Buck! Nice.
Hey, uh, don't smoke in here, okay, man?
I only smoke when I party.
Well, this isn't a party.
Says you.
Looks like femeril here's been bakin' up a storm.
Ugh!
Tastes homo-made.
Homo-made.
Hey, those are for Katie's dance recital,
and she'd love to see you there.
You're comin', right?
Mm. No can do.
As much as I wanna see
what Katie's friends look like in tights,
I'm going shootin'.
What? No. Buck...
You're not going to a gun range without us.
That's our guy thing, us three.
Sorry. Already cleaned persephone.
Oh, you cleaned your gun already...
Give my regards to Katie.
Fine.
Who you calling? Dr. ocean.
Maybe she can talk to you about being
a little less selfish.
Um...But Dr. ocean's actually
at a self-mutilation seminar in Tampa.
Sorry.
Smart-ass teenagers, cutting themselves up.
Buck, listen, Katie loves you.
She'll be thrilled to see you in the audience.
Please.
Dad, don't appeal to his emotions.
Just let him go to murder practice.
You don't want me to go, do you, Marsha?
Um...I-I just-- I just think
that you shouldn't have to do anything
that you don't wanna do, since you're such...
A Maverick and all.
Maybe I wanna go.
For Katie.
Okay. That settles it.
Wrap up those mots, all right?
We're late. Let's go.
Thanks, buck.
This is just unsanitary.
Oh, wrap it up, Doris day.
'Scuse me.
Where's buck?
What? Where's buck?
Uh...He went to the men's room.
What?
I told you to watch him!
I did watch him. And I watched him leave.
Again, please take your seats, ladies and gentlemen.
You're enjoying this.
Shut up, faggot.
Maybe you're one too.
Ow!
Did you see my grand jete?
Oh, unbelievable. It was huge!
And I've never done a quad pirouette
in front of real people before--just you guys.
Hey, Kate, great job. Thanks!
Whoo!
Hey, Mrs. Gregson.
These muffins of triumph
have never been more well-deserved.
It's Paula deen's recipe, tweaked slightly. Ooh!
Thanks, marsh.
Dad, where's buck?
You ever touch Kate again,
I will rip off your balls and shove 'em down your throat!
Mrs. Gregson, stop! I can't even hit you back!
What is this Mrs. Gregson bullshit?
I am buck, and I will fuck you sideways.
Wait, you're who?
Ooh! Come on!
Hey, what the hell's going on here?
Not only did this little wannabe jap pop Katie's cherry,
he roughed her up today! What?
Is that true?
Did he touch you?
Did he?
Aah!
Ah!
Marshall!
Fuck him up!
You don't touch my sister!
Fuck you!
Fuck him up!
Ow!
Go, Marshall, go!
Ah...
Oh, beaver cheese.
Rusty.
Prepare to be schooled.
That school got a short bus?
Hey!
So thanks for coming to my recital.
Next time, i want mom.
No offense, buck.
None taken, bunhead.
I hate that pbs shit anyhow.
Thanks for defending my honor.
Benjamin is such a waste of hair product.
I can't believe he hit you.
Why? I'm able-bodied.
Besides, you should thank Marsha.
He got right in there and kicked like a pussycat doll.
Whoo-ee!
That's right, Katie. We got your back.
All us guys.
But listen,
keep it in your pants from now on, you hear?
You don't wanna go makin' no babies
till you're 16 and you can support 'em.
Now, Marsha, get over here.
I'll show you how to make this ball your bitch.
This is the biggest ball you're ever gonna hold.
You're gonna move up, swing it back,
just fucking straight up the center.
It's weird how buck's a leftie.
None of the others are.
Yeah, that is one weird thing.
♪ Don't got a lotta time ♪
♪ don't give a damn ♪
♪ don't tell me what to do ♪
♪ I am the man ♪
♪ if there's a God up there ♪
♪ somethin' above ♪
♪ God, shine your light down here ♪
♪ shine on the love ♪
♪ love of the loveless ♪
♪ the love of the loveless ♪♪